


Everything is Blue (His Pills)

by iktwabrokenbone (apiculteur)



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Break Up, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 17:56:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4715141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/iktwabrokenbone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh saw him in the blue veins on his inner wrists and the inside of his elbows, in the puddles in the street, in the sky and the clouds, the hair dye in Josh’s hair. Josh couldn’t escape him if he wanted to, and dear God, did he want to sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything is Blue (His Pills)

**Author's Note:**

> big old TRIGGER WARNING for drugs, alcohol, abuse, suicide
> 
> whats that franklin? youve been struggling to write lately? how about u spout the first bullshit that comes out of ur fingertips n then post that? ye? yeah, i guess ill just do that. ((ie, i am sry that this is crappy angst. hopefully ya boi franklin will get back their motivation in a wee while and sTop talking abt theirself in third person??? i rly need to stop))

Tyler was all over him. Tyler was everywhere. Josh saw him in the blue veins on his inner wrists and the inside of his elbows, in the puddles in the street, in the sky and the clouds, the hair dye in Josh’s hair. Josh couldn’t escape him if he wanted to, and dear God, did he want to sometimes.

During the time in which Josh had known Tyler, he got used to it. Got used to Tyler coursing through his veins like toxins, making him ill and dizzy and gasping for breath in the early morning. He got used to the pain and the sadness and the perpetual tiredness that he felt. He got used to feeling close to death and no longer caring if he met his end. After a while, it became something he was used to. It was never something he enjoyed, and it often left him crying or numb, but he was accustomed, nonetheless. His wishes escape lasts sometimes seconds, sometimes days.

No matter how many times he told himself Tyler was worth everything he was going through, and that things would smooth out, they’d be happy soon enough, it never sounded any truer. If anything, the words only lost meaning.

Tyler broke up with him, and Josh knew he should be pleased. He wanted and half-expected instant relief, like reaching the surface after drowning, lungs immediately able to fill with air again, eyes able to take in everything once again.

It was not. It was not like that at all. It felt worse, so much worse. Now Tyler hated him and he hated himself and he had the bad things which Tyler gave him, the guilt and sadness and hopelessness, and none of the good things. None of his laughs or jokes or his hands, none of his weird obsessions, none of his warm clothes. None of the good things and all of the bad things. God, he wanted Tyler back. Wanted him back so hard, hard enough for his heart to break and his bones to ache and his stomach to toss. He felt no less like throwing up than he did when he dated Tyler. More. More than he did before.

Tyler was his best friend, despite it all. If he felt like this before, he would run back to Tyler, and cry about that, and hopefully Tyler would say something to help him, and hopefully Josh wouldn’t be too afraid to tell him in case it upset Tyler. It had not been healthy, it had not been healthy, it had only been breaking both of them. Their relationship was bad, and Josh had felt like he was drowning as soon as he first held Tyler’s hand.

Now, Josh felt like he had sank. Stone in a well, thrown away for some cheap wish. That’s what he had been, right? Because Tyler had been using him. Tyler had been using him, gotten bored of him, and gotten rid of him. Josh couldn’t bear the weight of Tyler’s world like they both wanted him to be able to, so he was thrown away.

With Tyler’s poison gone, Josh needed a replacement to soothe his withdrawal. Alcohol had never been something he liked. Pills had never been something he took when he wasn’t ill. They had been Tyler’s thing, that he picked up with shaking hands as Josh wished for him to stop, eyes closed tight, wanting to cry, wanting to get away. Josh had already been given so many of Tyler’s bad habits- some extra self-hatred, digging his nails into his palms, skipping showers when he was too numb- what was one more?

The pills burnt his throat and he wasn’t sure if it was the wine that made his head spin or whatever else he had swallowed down. It didn’t matter when he fell unconscious, resisting the urge to vomit. It didn’t make him feel better, but it stopped him thinking. Sickness was at least something familiar. If he couldn’t feel Tyler’s arms around as he slept, why not feel the illness and panic that Tyler often made him feel at this time of night?

**Author's Note:**

> idk bro i didnt rly plan any death into this (yes this did have a vague plan!!) but the end made it a bit ambiguous so y'all can do the whole choose-ur-own-ending thing.


End file.
